Blue Box
by emyjl
Summary: After the events of Manhattan Manhunt, Mac wrestles with some confusion.
1. Chapter 1

This is my first CSI:NY fic. Actually, it is my first fic, period. Reviews are greatly appreciated.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in regards to CSI:NY.

Spoilers: Manhattan Manhunt

Mac Taylor was confused. It was a feeling he loathed more than any other. More than fear. More than pain. Even more than grief.

He sat at his desk, surrounded by the piles of paperwork that never seemed to get any smaller despite his best efforts. He had been reading the same sentence of the same paragraph for at least ten minutes. Maybe longer, he didn't know. But he couldn't focus on the words, he couldn't focus on his work. He couldn't shut down the feelings that were swirling around inside of him. Why not? He had always been able to before. He would identify and neatly box up anything he felt and then carefully tuck it away in his mind to deal with later. Later never came, of course. His subconscious didn't object. Much.

But today...today was different somehow. Maybe it was because they had finally brought in Henry Darius, a man who had eluded capture, who had eluded Mac specifically, for so long. Maybe it was because Horatio Caine was involved. Maybe it was because Caine had sent a "special regard" along to Stella...

"Wait, where did that come from?" he thought, startled. "Horatio Caine is a fellow cop and a good CSI. Without him, we never could have captured Darius. And so what, he got along with Stella? So what that she had seemed to develop some kind of rapport with him so quickly? So what that she didn't trust me that much for...how long?"

Was he jealous? He almost laughed at the thought. Almost. When Horatio had come into the New York lab, smooth and confident, Mac thought little of it, his mind being on capturing Darius. But then Horatio ended up working mostly with Stella. Going to look for suspects together. Processing evidence in the confines of the lab. Then she was calling him and knowing that something personal was going on with him and he was sending her his regards...Mac's defenses went up without his consent. They always seemed to when it came to her. What did that mean? Nothing. Certainly not that he felt anything for Stella other than a deep friendship. And admiration. And respect. And lo...loyalty.

Stella. She'd been on his mind all day. Hell, if he was honest about it, she was on his mind most days. She was a beautiful, confident, intelligent, intriguing woman. She never ceased to amaze him...

Like when they found out Sara was at Tiffany's. Stella had expressed her love for 'that little blue box'. He and Danny had just looked at each other and shrugged it off as a girl thing. But when she and Mac got to the store, she was more like a child in a toy shop. Her hands tightly clasped behind her back and her slight bouncing on the balls of her feet did little to contain her excitement. Amused, he watched her. He was almost sure if he suggested they go look for Sara, Stella would take off in a heartbeat, never to be seen again.

He had cleared his throat and waited for her to meet his gaze.

"What?" she asked. Then consciously stopped bouncing. He gave her a half smile.

"Nothing. You just look...excited or something."

"I shouldn't be, I know. But it's _Tiffany's, _Mac. Come on. _Tiffany's_." He just looked at her and raised an eyebrow. She mumbled something about him not appreciating the finer things in life, and then, he was pretty sure, a disparaging comment about his gender as a whole.

"Okay, okay," he said in mock surrender. "I don't get it, sorry." A beat or two passed. "Explain it to me," he finally said. Her eyes had told him she was about to burst from the wanting to tell. Stella always wanted to let you know what was on her mind. Over the years, she'd gotten better at not expressing exactly what she thought at the exact moment she thought it. It was better for her career.

"Getting something from Tiffany's is like getting tangible proof of...of...," she faltered.

"Love?"

She shook her head slightly. "Not quite,"she said. "It would be more than love. It would be a connection. A bond. An indescribable force...what?" she asked, noticing his increasingly puzzled look.

"What? No, nothing, sorry. Just...I've never seen you get so...is mushy the right word here?"

"Oh there's a lot of things you haven't seen Taylor," she teased. She resumed her bouncing. A moment later, Sara came into view.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Mac shook his head, trying to clear his mind of that conversation. Certainly not one of the deepest they'd ever had. Certainly not anything earth-shattering. So why was it playing over and over in his mind? The far-off, almost dreamy look in her eyes. The softening of her features. Her childlike excitement. He'd never seen that look of pure joy on her face. Any positive expression from Stella held at least a slight undertone of pain. Of course she tried to hide it, but he knew her so well, he could see it every time. Except there, in that store.

He wondered if she'd ever gotten anything from Tiffany's. From the fantasy-like way she described it, probably not. "This could be my chance to show her, show her all she means to me." The thought came without warning, before he could squelch it. "No," he thought morosely "I can't take the chance that she doesn't feel the same. And why would she? She's...she's _Stella_. And I'm...well, I'm not what she's looking for. Or even close to what she deserves."

This case had been a lot about what people thought they deserved. Sara thought she deserved her father's money, even though she didn't live up to her part of the bargain. That receptionist thought she deserved that money just for knowing about it! And Darius. Darius thought he deserved the money, the love, and then Macs pity.

Mac felt the anger well up inside him again, as it had outside Darius' cell. The man had the nerve to stand there, and ask for Mac to feel sorry for him, to understand why he had killed all those people. Because his father had not been there for him. Mac had bristled at the excuse. He had known many people whose parents were far worse than Darius'. He had met them in the Marine Corps, then later as a cop. Hell, his own father was no picnic. And then his mind had turned to Stella. She didn't even know her parents. She didn't know where she came from, she had no family, no history to fall back on. And she had never used that as an excuse. Stella had fought her way through the system. She asked for little from the world, and it sometimes gave her even less. It was not an easy way to live. And she had suffered.

Stella could have used that suffering to become bitter and angry or to feel that the world owed her for the rotten hand she was dealt. But instead she became a strong, confident woman who used her own background to empathize with others. She absorbed the pain of those around her and her caring soul was reflected in her eyes. He could see it when she looked at him. She wanted desperately for him to be happy. Almost as if her own heart depended on it. She pushed him to break out of his shell. She pointed out the wonders around them, from their friends in the lab to the city itself. She charmed him and went out of her way to make him laugh. Even the smallest of smiles from him was a victory to her.

And she never asked for anything in return.

"She's the one who really deserves...well, something," Mac thought. He pushed his nerves aside for the moment and let his new found courage push him out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

A/N: Y'all probably know where this is going, but come along for the ride anyway on the fluff train! Thanks for the feedback folks!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the CSI:NY characters, but Iris is mine!

As he approached Tiffany's for the second time, Mac's confidence began to wane. He'd never bought anything from the high class jewelry store. In fact, the last time he had bought any jewelry at all had been...Claire.

He sighed and leaned against the cold brick of the building, shoving his hands in his pockets. He missed his Claire so much sometimes, he could barely breathe. He knew she would always have a special and prominent place in his heart. But he had also come to terms with the fact that she would want him to move on with his life.

This was not a revelation that had come to him easily. After Claire's death, he had locked himself away, literally and figuratively. He hid his raw, bleeding, sobbing heart behind a steel wall. He went to work, he went home. He no longer socialized with friends, and kept his family at bay as much as possible. It was a bulletproof, foolproof plan to ignore the fact that life was going on without his beloved wife.

But Stella Bonasera had other plans. His steel wall and stubborn isolation were no match for her tenacity. She hammered at that wall and dragged him from his isolation despite his angry and often hurtful resistance. Slowly, and without him realizing it, she worked her way into his soul. Before he knew it, he was healing. Because of her.

Claire and Stella had been friends, and he knew Claire would be happy to see him move on with her.

He gathered his courage once again, pushing himself off the wall and into the store.

Whether it was his poorly concealed bewildered expression or his purposeless wandering he didn't know, but just as he was about to pull his badge and demand assistance, a young saleswoman appeared in front of him.

"Can I help you sir? Is there something I can assist you in finding?"

"Uh," Mac answered tentatively, "Yeah. I'm...uh...looking for some...uh...jewelry."

The young woman tilted her head slightly and smiled at him knowingly. Mac had the distinct sense that she had considerable experience with the clueless male population.

"Okay sir..."

"It's Mac, actually. Mac Taylor. And, uh...look I really need some help here...I don't really know..." Mac was becoming increasingly agitated about this whole situation. After so much time spent bottling his feelings, the rush of them was now overwhelming.

"Okay Mac," she said calmly, sensing his frustration. "My name is Iris. Don't worry, your first time will be quick and painless, I promise." She winked at him and nodded over at a nearby glass case. "Let's start over there, shall we?"

Her decisive attitude actually put Mac at ease. He was most comfortable in clear cut, take charge situations. Of course, he was usually the one taking charge, but in this situation, he didn't mind conceding that position one bit.

Iris had led him to a case of various silver jewelry.

"Don't worry Mac. I just brought us over here as a starting point. Let's talk about who you're buying for. Who is she to you?"

Iris had unwittingly stepped into some very murky territory, and she could sense it almost immediately. She was a younger associate, but in the last few years, she had learned to read her customers, especially the uncertain ones. The man before her grew rigid again, and his face looked almost pained by her seemingly simple question. She decided to put the poor man out of misery, at least for the time being.

"Someone special, obviously," she ventured, "or you wouldn't be _here._" Mac was grateful for the reprieve and let out small breath.

"Yes, she's...she's very special. And I don't...I haven't told her that, I don't think. Not how I'd like to. I'm not good with...emotional...issues. I've known her for a long time, seems like forever sometimes, and we're...connected somehow, in so many different ways. I just never realized all that I felt for her, it just hit me..." Mac couldn't believe he was sharing these personal details with a stranger! But, as before, he found himself unable to stop his feelings from flowing now that he'd released them. And, if this was the person who was going to help him win Stella's heart, he needed her to have all the facts.

Iris could see how much this woman meant to Mac. His face had softened and a small smile played on his lips. His body was relaxed and he looked almost peaceful. She was sorry to break him out of his reverie by asking her next question.

"What kind of jewelry does she like? I mean, what does she usually wear?" Iris tried to ask the question as nonchalantly as possible, though she knew his answer would be vital.

"Uh, well in our line of work, she'd have to be careful...," Mac said slowly.

"What is it that you do?"

"We're cops. Detectives. With the Crime Lab."

"Okay...," Iris started, "we can work with that. So nothing that would get in the way of...uh, that. Rings, long earrings, dangling bracelets or necklaces. Unless...do you want this to be something she can wear every day, or just for special occasions?"

"Um...both?...I guess," he answered uncertainly. "If it's something simple, she'll wear it more often. Simple and elegant is Stella's style. I think."

"Stella? What a beautiful name. Mac, I think I have something that would be perfect. Let me show you over here." Iris led him to a case across the room. She unlocked it and removed the piece that she thought would be a match for Stella.

"It's called a cuff bracelet. She can slide it up her arm to wherever it's snug and it won't get in the way. Or she can keep it on her wrist loosely. And this one is thicker because it's made up of a few different strands that connect together in a few places to form knots. What do you think?"

Mac was speechless. It was as though Iris had found Stella in jewelry form! The bracelet was just as he described her, simple and elegant. Not to mention beautiful, which of course suited Stella as well. And the knot design was a perfect representation of their relationship. Mac knew that Stella would be able to understand the intricacies of this choice.

"I'll take it," he whispered. Iris grinned. She knew it!

"Great! I'll wrap it up and ring you out."

"Uh, you have those little blue boxes right?" Mac asked carefully.

Iris managed to suppress a giggle when she saw Mac's serious expression.

"Of course we do. It's our trademark." She winked at him again.

In no time, Iris had scanned Mac's credit card, presented him with the box in a small bag, and was walking him to the exit. Mac paused at the door and turned to Iris.

"Thank you," he said, looking straight in her eyes. "Here's my card, if you ever need anything that I might be able to help you with..."

Iris smiled at him again and took his card graciously, though hoped that it would never be of use to her.

"You're very welcome si...Mac. Good luck with Stella. She's a lucky lady. You'll do great, I know it. She'll be so excited. I promise, she'll love it. And you too, if she doesn't already."

A shocked expression came over Mac's face. Had he been that obvious? How had Iris guessed...?

"Don't worry Mac, it's the job. You're secret is safe here," she said teasingly, "Now go!"

Mac grinned, putting the package inside his coat.

"Thanks," he said again. It was his turn to wink at her as he headed out the door. "I'll let you know how it turns out," he added with a chuckle.

He continued to smile as he quickly began the long walk back to the lab. His smile faded slightly, however, and his pace slowed considerably as the thought of the task he was about to undertake started to dawn on him again. What was he going to say to Stella? "_Hi, I know I've never even hinted at the slightest possibility of this, but would you mind if I totally upended your life by telling you I have feelings for you?"_

How on Earth was he going to pull this off?

A/N: To prove what a dork I am, this bracelet actually exists! It's on Tiffany's website. Find it and prove what a dork you are too! The 'conversation' is coming. Fluffy stuff!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I know I've been terrible not updating! Real life is such a drag!

A/N: The bracelet is called Tiffany Knots. Did ya find it?

As it turned out, Mac didn't have long to ponder over what he was going to say to Stella. Wandering distractedly into his office, he found her sitting at his desk, hunched over and writing, with her long dark curls hiding her face. He was glad the gift was safely hidden in his coat. He took a minute to compose himself before clearing his throat.

Stella's head flew up. Her eyes sparkled and she flashed him a wide smile. It was a smile that only appeared when he did. But Mac didn't know that, and she hoped he would never be able to tell what effect his presence had on her expression. And that he would never know how her heart did a little flip whenever she saw that he was looking at her. She had decided a long time ago that Mac was one man she could never have, not in the way she wanted. Mac was reserved and level-headed and rational. He took the right steps, made the right choices. She knew he wouldn't want someone with her complicated background and impulsive nature. She had resigned herself to the fact that she was his partner, his best friend and the only one who could make him really truly smile. That was enough for her. It had to be.

Which didn't mean that as he stood in the doorway of his office staring at her, amused, that her heart didn't do that little flip entirely against her will.

"Whatcha doin' partner?" He tried to sound casual, but seeing her before he'd had a chance to make a plan had caught him off guard.

"Hey. I was leaving you a note about this case file. I thought maybe you had left before me for once," she said. "I don't know what I could have been thinking," she added sarcastically, smiling and balling up the paper she'd been scribbling on.

"Nah," Mac answered, giving her a half smile, "I just had to, uh...run an errand." The excuse sounded awkward to him, but Stella didn't seem to notice that part.

"Oooh, what kind of errand?" she asked teasingly. Knowing Mac, he probably had to get his pants

re-hemmed into a perfectly straight line or something normal people never thought of.

"The none of your business kind," he answered, perhaps a little too abruptly. He softened as he added, "Now, out of my seat, I've got work to do."

Stella was puzzled by Mac getting short with her. Not that they never argued and certainly not that he had never lashed out at her, especially in the aftermath of Claire's death when she had tried to console him. Things were different now though. They were a part of each others' lives, with a casual and comfortable friendship. But he was always professional and even toned at the office.

"Mac, what's wrong?" she asked quietly.

"Nothing, Stella. I'm just...I'm tired, that's all," he replied weakly, walking toward his desk.

"I know, it was a tough case," she began hesitantly, "but I know you tired. And this is more than that. What's going on, Mac?"

He reached the desk and stood next to it awkwardly, looking down at her and her eyes that were pleading with him to let her in on his secrets. His confused feelings were brimming just below the surface and he hoped she wasn't able to read anything on his face. But he knew his carefully placed mask was starting to slip. He just needed to hold out a little longer till she left so he could make a plan...

Stella stood up from the desk chair and was just inches away from him now, concern etched on her face. She reached out tentatively and touched his upper arm lightly. She knew he didn't like to be touched, but she couldn't resist when they were so close and she could clearly see the pain on his face. To her surprise, he didn't flinch away from her, instead closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He didn't have time for a plan. His pent up feelings weren't going to wait any longer. Opening his eyes, he stared deep into hers and whispered:

"Stella, there's something I have to tell you."


End file.
